I’ve been so against blogging. So irrationally against it! I guess I’ve figured… well… if you can’t pick up the phone and call me… then you don’t want to know about my life. Or… if we don’t have the sort of relationship where we don’t know each other’s lives… than why should I blog about it for the world to see. I don’t know. I can’t really explain the irrational sentiment! But I recognise it as irrational… and seems like I’m just going to lean into it instead – can’t beat em, join em!?
I’m starting to want to blog. I guess… it’s a bit lonely as a 30 something single person. By now, your loved ones (hell… even the unknown, unloved ones!) have their own families to worry about and support and grow and give their time and energy to… You start to feel a little.. left on the wayside. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge them that. I’m certainly not jealous. I’m not ready for a family. I don’t even know if I see it in my future. But. that certainly makes you ask questions of yourself. Am I selfish person because I’m not a mother? Am I an unlovable person because I’m not married? Am I unable to love? Am I … a disgrace to the Female? Why do I have ovaries and useless stupid hormones that make you emotionally charged when I’m not even using them to create, protect and nurture life? Am I failure to my very natural born, genetical core? What’s my purpose here? What’s the point of my life? I’m not really contributing to anyone’s journey.
I used to think I was. I used to think that’s what coaching is. That, coaching is the thing I do best. That, THAT is how I’m suppose to give to the world. And for the most part I still hope and believe it is. But I was so disappointed recently. I met one of my coaching idols at a coaching clinic – Stefan Widmer. Hah. I even ended up sharing a cabin with him – eek. (Too close for comfort for a nervous, newbie star-struck coach!) Anyway he made a comment. Not directly to me. He said. I’ve found there’s more to life than this sport. I actually hope my son doesn’t want to go down that path.”
It knocked me for six. I’m pretty sure I cried to sleep that night! (I’m kidding… or am I? I think there was at least one tear!). How can my idols say that? How come so many coaches I admire and respect… look at this sport, this career, with such disdain. It hurts me. The… “there’s more to life” … IS SWIMMING… in my opinion. Swimming is where I’ve been able to find myself. to find the “more” to my life. It has been the vehicle that points me in the right direction to my “more”. Does that mean I’m misguided? Unwhole? Unbalanced? It was a punch in the guts to hear that there is “more to life” than my “whole”. From someone I’ve marvelled at in this career. That quote comes to mind… “One person’s trash is another’s treasure…” That or perhaps my admiration is misguided? Or… for their part has it been a… “the very thing you love and throw yourself into the most… hurts you the most…?” scenario… Is what made them soo good… the reason they shut down to life and to the ‘meaning’ of swimming…?
Anyway. I find myself a little… lost now. again. I think it’s along the lines of… I can no longer look up to him to lead my way. My idols don’t like the journey I’m headed so … now I have to create my own…. Scary. Where do I start? Where are the stepping stones now? It’s a bit dark! An old school mate said to me not long ago… It’s nice to have mentor’s… but I’ve always found it feels better when you do it your own way. I think that’s a pretty wise sentiment.
And despite the.. shakiness… I feel an element of ‘having balls’? Retaliation? Competitive urge?… of.. “you know what, screw you – I’ll love this sport, I’ll add to this sport and I’ll help people feel the same way. I’ll use this sport to add to their wholeness. I’ll do it better than you…” “I’ll show you”. But how. How?
My guideposts and goalposts are so easily… shaken! I’m happy! I’m living a life I think I always imagined but wasn’t quite sure was possible! I love the town I’m in – at the time I’m in it!! for once! I love the opportunity to have crossfit. I’m meeting lots of lovely people. I’m on a salary for a job I love. The kids and the people surrounding me in my workplace are great – they are kids I truly want to help and guide and give to! I have the opportunity for the beach and a surf club! I have a family that love me and who are living well and for the most part seem happy and busy. (My wish for them!) So how am I still lost? Uncertain? Still tripping up on little things?
I figure it’s time to get serious about setting my goal posts and about laying the foundations i’m going to travel. I think it’s time to sit down and set some goals. And be active about them. Open about them. I think it takes guts to be open about them. To ask others for their input and help. To trust that they’ll support you in them – or at least keep quiet if they can’t support or be positive! To trust yourself to stand strong when people do laugh or show negativity. Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong in the past. Too little faith in my choices…?
I came across this article. A few seem to ring very true of experience to me. I’ve had very little success achieving goals I’ve written. (YET… I’ve found my way to living a picture goal in my head I think I’ve always had but never specified… go figure??? I don’t quite understand that contradiction…) And one of the quotes was tell your friends your goals. So. there’s the final tip to this blogging iceberg. I’m going to do that I think. But I figure rather than going to one person and lumping it all on them… I can blog about it. Hopefully someone stumbles across this… and I don’t know… comments about it. or asks about it. or shares insight they’ve found on similar quests. I don’t know… but here I am. I spose I better actually go set some goals, lay down my own stepping stones so to speak…. wish me luck!
http://www.forbes.com/sites/daviddisalvo/2013/09/29/10-things-you-should-know-about-goals/#47d3038f4d08
where it all began for me – Malanda Aquatic Dragons! (It was a little less flash back in those days!
katebell23 